Scared.

Okay so I really really really suck at blogging :S

The whole reason that I really decided to try and blog was to kind of try and get things off of my chest, without actually having to talk about them, almost like a diary. And, I think that maybe it's working. My last blogpost was in the middle of a bad patch, not helped by exam stress. The last three months since then have been pretty good, there have been a few bad days, but for the most part everything in my World has been ticking along just right :)

So now, when things are starting to go a little bit pear-shaped, I'm back, and I'm waffling, rambling, so really it looks like this whole blog thing is maybe working.

So why are things rubbish at the moment I hear you ask, except I don't, and I'm not really sure that I'm ready to write specific things and have to face up to them. One word really sums things up for me at the moment though : scared. The future is such a scary thing to me. I don't want to grow up, and the thing is that I'm already kind of meant to be grown up.

I'm just so scared, really just scared of being me, of not changing, I really really hate who I am and I just don't want to be me forever. I'm also scared of what I might do. I know that this sounds stupid and melodramatic, but there was a time when I would never have even thought of cutting myself, but now, in my mind, I have somehow convinced myself that it's completely normal and acceptable. Not so long ago, I didn't understand how anyone could ever even contemplate suicide, but now I find myself thinking about how I could do it, how I could do it to cause the minimum amount of hurt to other people. A lot of the time I'm just thinking hypothetically, you know like how people read Miss Marple, or Sherlock Holmes and think that they could pull-off the perfect murder, and not be stupid enough to be caught, but really obviously have no intention of ever trying it? But sometimes, I honestly think, I could just do it now, it would all be over. And then I feel so guilty.

I think of you, and the pain that you must be going through because your Dad thought exactly that, and I think of you, life snatched so cruely away from you and all the people who miss you so desperately. I know that you'd all give anything for another chance at life and there I am contemplating throwing it away. I'm so sorry. What it comes down to I think is you God, I miss you. I miss feeling so definitely that you were there and looking after me, that you were always there, no matter what. Now I say my prayers at bedtime, but that's it. I want so much to feel you near me, but I just can't seem to. Please God, find me and guide me again.

Most of all, I want to go back, 10 years would be great, and do all this over, I actually love 10 year old me, just a shame I don't think so much of the 20 year old version :P

Well....if anyone out there made it to the end of this post, you deserve a medal :)