Angry.

Just in case you hadn't realised, this isn't easy for me either. Do you not think that I want to be there with you all, that I don't spend every second thinking, and worrying about what's going on. If you had any idea of how bloody guilty I felt about not being there then I really hope that you wouldn't have said that. It hurts so much to know that you're thinking that.

I know you think that I've got it easy but I haven't so just lay off and grow up.

I love you so much.

I don't know how to deal with this, just please keep fighting.

Cutting.

So I had an anniversary last week, three years of cutting.

And today I had one of the worst cutting sessions I think I've ever had.

But for the first time I think I've noticed something about why I have to do this. It's like when I feel so rubbish about myself, so useless, so not worthy to be here, somehow by cutting myself, hurting myself, scarring myself, it's like I've punished myself for being all of the things that I hate about me, and now it's okay for me to be here again.

I know that it must be a hard thing to understand, but as long as it's helping me cope, surely it can't be that bad for the moment.