Wham

Sometimes things just hit you, you're walking along feeling completely normal, and then something makes you remember. There's this whole other layer of my life that most of the time I can completely ignore...but then you get sicker again.

I love you.

But what can you do? Collapse into a heap, think things over and over until you can't see the point in normal things anymore? That's not going to achieve anything.

So I'm going to keep plodding on.

A more normal post...

The good news is that I am feeling one hundred percent happier and less bitter today. The not so good thing is that I think I'm feeling this way because I had a massive cutting session this afternoon :/ I'm paying the price though because it's starting to feel quite sore.

On a more normal/kind of positive note...if you refer back to my posts this time last year...this might make a bit more sense...

Even after all this time, I still really like you. It's so stupid, I really thought that I didn't feel this way about you anymore, in fact, you were even starting to annoy me!

But then tonight, I don't know, it just reminded me of what I saw in you in the first place. And when we sat on the sofa, leaning into each other reading the paper, all I could think was imagine if you put your arm around me. Imagine if we did this all the time.

Sometimes I really think that we could be good together, and sometimes I convince myself that you might like me like I like you...but then I see how you look at her, and I realise I'm wrong.

Oh well, I'm moving away in a few weeks anyway, maybe I can just imagine that that's why nothing could ever happen...and not that you just don't like me in that way lol! :)

Lucky...???

So right now I'm in the middle of some pretty important exams. In fact that's a complete lie, these are THE most important exams of my life, no exaggeration. One week to go, one week, one more week...except I'm really having trouble concentrating :/

One of my friends said this to me yesterday: "I guess we're lucky that this is all we have to worry about" this was referring to the exams. I didn't know how to react, THIS is the reason why I should have told people about what is going on in my World right now.

She had no idea what impact the words had, and she's not the only one who has said things like that, things that make me want to yell, NO THIS ISN'T ALL OF I'VE GOT TO WORRY ABOUT! Or when people are moaning about exams (which I know I do too), and particularly telling me that I've got these exams covered, I always do so what am I worrying about, I need to yell NO I HAVEN'T GOT THESE EXAMS COVERED, BECAUSE I SPENT THE REVISION TIME LOOKING AFTER MY SICK FATHER. AND RIGHT NOW WHILST ALL YOU HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT IS REVISION I'M THINKING ABOUT HIM BEING PUMPED WITH DRUGS THAT IF WE'RE LUCKY WILL SHRINK THIS DAMN TUMOUR WHILST CAUSING MINIMAL DAMAGE TO THE REST OF HIS TIRED BODY. IT'S ALL RIGHT FOR YOU WITH YOUR DADS WHO ARE YOUNG AND STRONG AND OUT AT WORK. BECAUSE RIGHT NOW MY DAD IS ILL AND BALD AND FRAIL. HE LOOKS MORE LIKE MY GRANDAD THAN MY DAD. AND ALL I CAN DO IS HOPE AND PRAY THAT THIS WON'T GET ANY WORSE. AND A LOT OF THE TIME IT'S ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT, BUT AT THE SAME TIME I'M MEANT TO BE TRYING TO GET MY DEGREE. AND I NEED TO DO WELL IN MY DEGREE, NOT JUST FOR MY FUTURE, BUT SO THAT I MAKE HIM PROUD. I NEED TO GRADUATE, AND WELL, SO THAT HE CAN COME AND SEE ME BECAUSE THIS MAY WELL BE THE ONLY CHANCE THAT HE EVER GETS. SO PLEASE STOP SCREAMING THAT YOUR LIFE SUCKS AND WHAT'S THE POINT ANYMORE, BECAUSE I WOULD GIVE IT ALL UP IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE IF I KNEW MY DAD WOULD BE OKAY.

I'm sorry about the caps but this has been building up for a while, and the problem with no-one knowing is that I can't tell anyone. When I want to cry and scream and give up there's no-one there who can tell me that it will be okay. No-one to be strong for me. So instead I lock myself in my room, turn my headphones up, cut, and cry.

And then I feel guilty, because do you know what, it's not me who'sgot this thing growing inside them. And I'm hoping and praying that my Dad MIGHT GET BETTER. There are so many people who have lost people that they love, really I'M LUCKY. I'm just finding it pretty hard to see that at the moment.

Sorry xxx

P.S. dear housemates, please, pretty please, stop SHOUTING OUTSIDE MY BEDROOM DOOR!!!

"The only one who doesn't see your beauty is the face in the mirror staring back at you...."

I love you so much, and I really hope that the coming 12 months are better than the last. I promise that I'll try and be there for you, be closer, not so distant like I know you need me to be.

I hope that you get everything that you wish for, because it's not even half of what you deserve.

We're in this together, and I'm really going to try not to let you down again <3

CANCER

It's stupid really, but this has all been going on for quite a while now, and I've still never been able to bring myself to say that word out loud, I rarely even say it in my head.

I've only told one person in the World what's wrong with you, and that's because I knew that they would find out and would be hurt that I hadn't told them. I just can't bring myself to say it, I use euphemisms "he's not too well" or "he's useless" or even say that he's fine, when what I really need to say is that he has cancer, advanced cancer and a 50% chance of still being here in five years time.

And perhaps what I need to say even more than that is that I'm absolutely terrified. I can barely look at him because it hurts to see what he's going through, I wish I could take it away from him, and I wish that he wasn't so scared about it. I wish that I wasn't scared about it, but I am, and that's why I've been such a bad sister and daughter, because if I "indulge your fear" like I know you need me to I won't be able to keep mine buried. You do all need me to be the strong one. I need me to be the strong one.

So I'm just going to carry on telling you that everything's going to be fine, even if I don't really believe it myself, because it's what you all need to hear.