CANCER

It's stupid really, but this has all been going on for quite a while now, and I've still never been able to bring myself to say that word out loud, I rarely even say it in my head.

I've only told one person in the World what's wrong with you, and that's because I knew that they would find out and would be hurt that I hadn't told them. I just can't bring myself to say it, I use euphemisms "he's not too well" or "he's useless" or even say that he's fine, when what I really need to say is that he has cancer, advanced cancer and a 50% chance of still being here in five years time.

And perhaps what I need to say even more than that is that I'm absolutely terrified. I can barely look at him because it hurts to see what he's going through, I wish I could take it away from him, and I wish that he wasn't so scared about it. I wish that I wasn't scared about it, but I am, and that's why I've been such a bad sister and daughter, because if I "indulge your fear" like I know you need me to I won't be able to keep mine buried. You do all need me to be the strong one. I need me to be the strong one.

So I'm just going to carry on telling you that everything's going to be fine, even if I don't really believe it myself, because it's what you all need to hear.