I'm so afraid it will.

Reading this was awful for two reasons:
1) This is my biggest fear.
2) It sucks that other people out there have to go through this as well.

Please don't give up, there's no need to give up yet. We can beat this, WHY ARE YOU LETTING THIS BEAT YOU? xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Wham

Sometimes things just hit you, you're walking along feeling completely normal, and then something makes you remember. There's this whole other layer of my life that most of the time I can completely ignore...but then you get sicker again.

I love you.

But what can you do? Collapse into a heap, think things over and over until you can't see the point in normal things anymore? That's not going to achieve anything.

So I'm going to keep plodding on.

A more normal post...

The good news is that I am feeling one hundred percent happier and less bitter today. The not so good thing is that I think I'm feeling this way because I had a massive cutting session this afternoon :/ I'm paying the price though because it's starting to feel quite sore.

On a more normal/kind of positive note...if you refer back to my posts this time last year...this might make a bit more sense...

Even after all this time, I still really like you. It's so stupid, I really thought that I didn't feel this way about you anymore, in fact, you were even starting to annoy me!

But then tonight, I don't know, it just reminded me of what I saw in you in the first place. And when we sat on the sofa, leaning into each other reading the paper, all I could think was imagine if you put your arm around me. Imagine if we did this all the time.

Sometimes I really think that we could be good together, and sometimes I convince myself that you might like me like I like you...but then I see how you look at her, and I realise I'm wrong.

Oh well, I'm moving away in a few weeks anyway, maybe I can just imagine that that's why nothing could ever happen...and not that you just don't like me in that way lol! :)

Lucky...???

So right now I'm in the middle of some pretty important exams. In fact that's a complete lie, these are THE most important exams of my life, no exaggeration. One week to go, one week, one more week...except I'm really having trouble concentrating :/

One of my friends said this to me yesterday: "I guess we're lucky that this is all we have to worry about" this was referring to the exams. I didn't know how to react, THIS is the reason why I should have told people about what is going on in my World right now.

She had no idea what impact the words had, and she's not the only one who has said things like that, things that make me want to yell, NO THIS ISN'T ALL OF I'VE GOT TO WORRY ABOUT! Or when people are moaning about exams (which I know I do too), and particularly telling me that I've got these exams covered, I always do so what am I worrying about, I need to yell NO I HAVEN'T GOT THESE EXAMS COVERED, BECAUSE I SPENT THE REVISION TIME LOOKING AFTER MY SICK FATHER. AND RIGHT NOW WHILST ALL YOU HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT IS REVISION I'M THINKING ABOUT HIM BEING PUMPED WITH DRUGS THAT IF WE'RE LUCKY WILL SHRINK THIS DAMN TUMOUR WHILST CAUSING MINIMAL DAMAGE TO THE REST OF HIS TIRED BODY. IT'S ALL RIGHT FOR YOU WITH YOUR DADS WHO ARE YOUNG AND STRONG AND OUT AT WORK. BECAUSE RIGHT NOW MY DAD IS ILL AND BALD AND FRAIL. HE LOOKS MORE LIKE MY GRANDAD THAN MY DAD. AND ALL I CAN DO IS HOPE AND PRAY THAT THIS WON'T GET ANY WORSE. AND A LOT OF THE TIME IT'S ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT, BUT AT THE SAME TIME I'M MEANT TO BE TRYING TO GET MY DEGREE. AND I NEED TO DO WELL IN MY DEGREE, NOT JUST FOR MY FUTURE, BUT SO THAT I MAKE HIM PROUD. I NEED TO GRADUATE, AND WELL, SO THAT HE CAN COME AND SEE ME BECAUSE THIS MAY WELL BE THE ONLY CHANCE THAT HE EVER GETS. SO PLEASE STOP SCREAMING THAT YOUR LIFE SUCKS AND WHAT'S THE POINT ANYMORE, BECAUSE I WOULD GIVE IT ALL UP IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE IF I KNEW MY DAD WOULD BE OKAY.

I'm sorry about the caps but this has been building up for a while, and the problem with no-one knowing is that I can't tell anyone. When I want to cry and scream and give up there's no-one there who can tell me that it will be okay. No-one to be strong for me. So instead I lock myself in my room, turn my headphones up, cut, and cry.

And then I feel guilty, because do you know what, it's not me who'sgot this thing growing inside them. And I'm hoping and praying that my Dad MIGHT GET BETTER. There are so many people who have lost people that they love, really I'M LUCKY. I'm just finding it pretty hard to see that at the moment.

Sorry xxx

P.S. dear housemates, please, pretty please, stop SHOUTING OUTSIDE MY BEDROOM DOOR!!!

"The only one who doesn't see your beauty is the face in the mirror staring back at you...."

I love you so much, and I really hope that the coming 12 months are better than the last. I promise that I'll try and be there for you, be closer, not so distant like I know you need me to be.

I hope that you get everything that you wish for, because it's not even half of what you deserve.

We're in this together, and I'm really going to try not to let you down again <3

CANCER

It's stupid really, but this has all been going on for quite a while now, and I've still never been able to bring myself to say that word out loud, I rarely even say it in my head.

I've only told one person in the World what's wrong with you, and that's because I knew that they would find out and would be hurt that I hadn't told them. I just can't bring myself to say it, I use euphemisms "he's not too well" or "he's useless" or even say that he's fine, when what I really need to say is that he has cancer, advanced cancer and a 50% chance of still being here in five years time.

And perhaps what I need to say even more than that is that I'm absolutely terrified. I can barely look at him because it hurts to see what he's going through, I wish I could take it away from him, and I wish that he wasn't so scared about it. I wish that I wasn't scared about it, but I am, and that's why I've been such a bad sister and daughter, because if I "indulge your fear" like I know you need me to I won't be able to keep mine buried. You do all need me to be the strong one. I need me to be the strong one.

So I'm just going to carry on telling you that everything's going to be fine, even if I don't really believe it myself, because it's what you all need to hear.

Confused? Disappointed? Or maybe this was inevitable...

I don't know what to say. Part of me is shocked and disappointed in you, saying I thought we were more similar than that and I can't believe you dealt with things by getting drunk.

But there's another part of me that's thinking, well things aren't that easy at the moment, and you are 17 and perhaps it was inevitable you were going to do this sooner or later. Also, perhaps it's not so different to what I do, I cut when things get too much, you got stressed out and had too much to drink...the difference is that I keep what I do secret, you've worried a lot of people tonight.

You have left me with a huge dilema though, I know I shouldn't have read your texts, but what I saw really worried me, and I think with reason, so do I fess up to the 'rents? Do I just have a go at you (both involve admitting that I read your messages...) or do I just ignore it, and try and be a better sister and keep a closer eye on you.

There are two things that I really have to do right now though: sleep and revise...neither of which are going to be easy!

This is so true:

Sometimes I get sick of being that boring, reliable person, but other times I'm proud of it, I don't think that going off the rails would make my life any better :)

Wishing...

Having one of these would actually be so amazing, and not just because I'm a Doctor Who fan :P

If someone gave me a time machine right now there are two things I would have to do:
1) Go forward in time, maybe even just six months or so, so much is happening right now and it would be good to know how it's all going to pan out!
2) Go back, 10, maybe 15 years, and just enjoy being a kid!

This post makes no sense....I think I need to go to sleep....

Staying strong.

I still don't know how to deal with this, I'm going with lets be happy and smiley and positive, I don't know if that's helpful or annoying?

"Being strong" is the only thing that I know how to do, I actually think it would be harder to just fall apart, it would mean that I'd have to think more than a day at a time.



Are you swimming upstream, in oceans of blue?
Do you feel like your sinking?
Are you sick of the rain, after all you've been through
Well I know what you're thinking.
When you can't take it, you can make it
Sometime soon I know you will see,

'Cause when you're in your darkest hour,
And all of the light just fades away.
And when you're like a single flower,
Whose colours have turned to shades of grey,
Well hang on
Be strong.

You're taking each step one day at a time,
You can't lose your spirit.
Well let live and let live,
Forget and forgive,
And it's all how you see it.
And just remember, keep it together
Don't you know you're never alone?

'Cause when you're in your darkest hour,
And all of the light just fades away.
And when you're like a single flower,
Whose colours have turned to shades of grey,
Well hang on
Be strong.

No you're not defeated ohh
And soon you'll be smiling once again.
Then you won't have to feel it,
Let it go with the wind.
Time passes us by, and know that you're allowed to cry

'Cause when you're in your darkest hour,
And all of the light just fades away.
And when you're like a single flower,
Whose colours have turned to shades of grey,
Well hang on
Be strong.

Angry.

Just in case you hadn't realised, this isn't easy for me either. Do you not think that I want to be there with you all, that I don't spend every second thinking, and worrying about what's going on. If you had any idea of how bloody guilty I felt about not being there then I really hope that you wouldn't have said that. It hurts so much to know that you're thinking that.

I know you think that I've got it easy but I haven't so just lay off and grow up.

I love you so much.

I don't know how to deal with this, just please keep fighting.

Cutting.

So I had an anniversary last week, three years of cutting.

And today I had one of the worst cutting sessions I think I've ever had.

But for the first time I think I've noticed something about why I have to do this. It's like when I feel so rubbish about myself, so useless, so not worthy to be here, somehow by cutting myself, hurting myself, scarring myself, it's like I've punished myself for being all of the things that I hate about me, and now it's okay for me to be here again.

I know that it must be a hard thing to understand, but as long as it's helping me cope, surely it can't be that bad for the moment.

Oh

It just occurred to me that no-one ever mentioned cure...

Reality Check....

Just for the record, I do not need a reality check.

Do you not think that I've done at least as much research into this as you, that I know what's going to be said tomorrow and that it's probably not all going to end well?

Maybe you need to expect the worst but I'd need to stay optimistic.

Love you <3

Such a mess.

Life is so weird at the moment....

On one hand everything is going so damn well that I hardly dare believe that it's true....

...but then there's all this other stuff which is such a big mess....

I've had two bits of great news this week, good news comes in threes right? Because I really can't even think about what it would mean if this last, most important piece of news wasn't what we want, no NEED it to be.

Seriously, how much rubbish can we have to deal with in this area, it certainly is seeming pretty disproportionate at the moment.....

Please.

I can't do this again, none of us can do this again, please, please, let it all be okay.

PS I do care, I care so much that right now I can only deal with this by pretending it's not happening.

Making that leap.

I'm going to be brave, I have nothing to lose but my pride, yet everything to gain. Maybe things could just turn out perfectly.

5 years...that's a quarter of my life...

I love you, and I miss you, and I'm sorry that I never told you that enough.

This one's for you, I hope that He's looking after you ;)

I the Lord of sea and sky
I have heard my people cry
All who dwell in dark and sin
My hand will save

I who made the stars up high
I will make their darkness bright
Who will bear my light to them
Whom shall I send

Here I am Lord
Is it I Lord
I have heard you calling in the night
I will go Lord
If you lead me
I will hold your people in my heart

I the Lord of snow and rain
I have born my people's pain
I have wept for love and then
They turn away

I will break their hearts of stone
Give them hearts for love alone
I will speak my word to them
Whom shall I send

Here I am Lord
Is it I Lord
I have heard you calling in the night
I will go Lord
If you lead me
I will hold your people in my heart

He sent you, please help me to make you proud <3