A seasonal one...

MERRY CHRISTMAS BLOGGERS!!!

Seasons greetings and all that.

Genuinely, I hope that anyone who reads this has a wonderful, peaceful and happy Christmas :)

I just came across this article on the BBC News website, and really had to post it on here, I really hope that people read it and take it to heart, it sent tingles down my spine:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-12043294

So bloggers, look out this Christmas for those around you, the lonely elderly neighbour, the twenty something stuck working away from home, the middle agers whose children have fled the nest etc and lets make this Christmas great for everyone, no-one should be alone at this time of year.

Sometimes...

...I really scare myself. I seem to be so messed up at the moment, worse than I've ever been before. I'm not sleeping, I'm bingeing and I'm cutting and thinking about cutting more than ever before. I really just hate who I am. I can't go on like this.

For the first time ever I really feel like I need to tell someone about how I deal with things, because, for the first time, I think that deep down, I've realised that it's not right.

I wish that I could sort this out for myself, but I just don't think that I can.

Fair.

When one person dies prematurely in the western World, no-one will ever forget them.

Bouquets of flowers and cuddly toys litter our raods sides, reminding us all of tragedies that have occurred there.

Facebook is full of groups, dedicated to remembering those whom we have lost.

Newspaper headlines, large funerals, dedicated memorials.

No less than they deserve.

But it struck me yesterday, how many young people die in the third World and get nothing. Any large family there will, sadly, almost inevitably have lost a child, it is the norm, how can it be that we live in a World where such inbalances can be tolerated.

Let us stop, and remember, and give every young life lost the same respect.

Hmmmm, so I don't really know what I've come here to say, just going to see what comes out really....

So this weekend has been a complete waste, I seriously have done nothing, not even managed to clean the kitchen, it's really annoying but I jsut have no motiviation, it's like at the moment the more I have to do and the more I get stressed out about it, the less I seem to do, which, is a potential problem.

Do you know what I am most rubbish at? Replying to messages, it's really awful, right now I have two facebook messages and an e-mail that I have been putting off responding to, and I really don't know why? There's nothign awkward or anything about them, I just always seem to put it off, I am a shocking friend :(

What makes me a worse friend is my bitterness. I would love to be known as that person who will do anything ofr anyone, nothing is too much trouble. But the reality is far from it, when I have to go out of my way for people and they don't appreciate it, it really annoys me, and what makes it worse is that I never say anything about it, I just sit there stewing, like some silly teenager, God I really need to grow up....

On a more cheery note, THE NEW HARRY POTTER IS OUT SOON :D I am sooooo excited, it's stupid, but I really can't wait! I can't believe they're splitting it in half though, I think they should jsut have had some epic 12 hour extravaganza that we could have sat and watched...OMG HARRY POTTER IN 3D!!!! I can barely contain my excitement :D :D :D

I have lost the button to change the font :( How distressing!!!

Anyway, something cheery to leave you with:

Never Forget.

I don't really feel that I have any right to be writing this, I didn't really have a connection to you, only that I am close to people who were connected to you...

There is nothing I can say here that hasn't already been said so many times before, by so many people, far more eloquently than I could ever hope to be able to say it.

This said it all http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OXsp0cLxBrM

The perfect tribute, your song, seen by millions of people.

You are loved and missed every single day by so many people.

One year on, and it's clear, no-one will ever forget you, Eleanor <3

Hmmmmm.

This is an even more shallow post than normal....but...I really want one of these :S

Scared.

Okay so I really really really suck at blogging :S

The whole reason that I really decided to try and blog was to kind of try and get things off of my chest, without actually having to talk about them, almost like a diary. And, I think that maybe it's working. My last blogpost was in the middle of a bad patch, not helped by exam stress. The last three months since then have been pretty good, there have been a few bad days, but for the most part everything in my World has been ticking along just right :)

So now, when things are starting to go a little bit pear-shaped, I'm back, and I'm waffling, rambling, so really it looks like this whole blog thing is maybe working.

So why are things rubbish at the moment I hear you ask, except I don't, and I'm not really sure that I'm ready to write specific things and have to face up to them. One word really sums things up for me at the moment though : scared. The future is such a scary thing to me. I don't want to grow up, and the thing is that I'm already kind of meant to be grown up.

I'm just so scared, really just scared of being me, of not changing, I really really hate who I am and I just don't want to be me forever. I'm also scared of what I might do. I know that this sounds stupid and melodramatic, but there was a time when I would never have even thought of cutting myself, but now, in my mind, I have somehow convinced myself that it's completely normal and acceptable. Not so long ago, I didn't understand how anyone could ever even contemplate suicide, but now I find myself thinking about how I could do it, how I could do it to cause the minimum amount of hurt to other people. A lot of the time I'm just thinking hypothetically, you know like how people read Miss Marple, or Sherlock Holmes and think that they could pull-off the perfect murder, and not be stupid enough to be caught, but really obviously have no intention of ever trying it? But sometimes, I honestly think, I could just do it now, it would all be over. And then I feel so guilty.

I think of you, and the pain that you must be going through because your Dad thought exactly that, and I think of you, life snatched so cruely away from you and all the people who miss you so desperately. I know that you'd all give anything for another chance at life and there I am contemplating throwing it away. I'm so sorry. What it comes down to I think is you God, I miss you. I miss feeling so definitely that you were there and looking after me, that you were always there, no matter what. Now I say my prayers at bedtime, but that's it. I want so much to feel you near me, but I just can't seem to. Please God, find me and guide me again.

Most of all, I want to go back, 10 years would be great, and do all this over, I actually love 10 year old me, just a shame I don't think so much of the 20 year old version :P

Well....if anyone out there made it to the end of this post, you deserve a medal :)

And again...

Set-back.

Sometimes I just wish that I wasn't me.

I thought about myself today, and I just thought how can anyone stand to look at me, to talk to me, to be around me.

I wish I wasn't me.

And the thing is I just don't help myself. I start to feel like this and I just make it worse. I cut myself off, I'm unproductive, I binge and I cut. All of which make me feel worse, make me stress, make me ashamed, feel like I don't deserve anyone.

It's a viscious circle, and I just wish that I could find a way out.

Or that I could find a way to let someone in......if anyone even wanted to come in. Please.

Happy happy happy.

Right now, at 11pm on a Sunday night, I am happy.

I have not been this happy in weeks.

In fact happy is the wrong word, more like content.

Why am I happy? Because I'm busy. It's ridiculous. Most people dream of having lots of free time with nothing to do, and I like to think that I'm like that, but when I'm busy I realise that I'm not. I love having lots to do, having to make lists and prioritise to get it all done. It's stupid, but I like to go to bed at the end of the day and look back and say that I've worked really hard and achieved lots and therefore somehow deserve sleep. I actually feel guilty if I get 8 hours sleep.

So right now, I am going to finish this blogpost, and then work for another hour or so before getting up at 6am and starting all over again.

Here's to a busy future :D

Also, rather embarrassingly, I am COMPLETELY addicted to this song at the moment: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=um7PzmLRwko

Meh.

Sometimes your best just isn't good enough. The dilema now is how to deal with it. Put it behind you, learn form it and move on. Or dwell on it and become bitter and resentful. Not to mention being overwhelmed by feelings of hopelessness, inadequacy and failure. Unfortunately I think that I'm going to take the latter road. Oh, and by the way, a thank you would have been nice.

Life of Surprises.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ljxjlpb-6fs

Never let your conscience, be harmful, to your health.
Let no neurotic impulse, turn inward, on itself.
Just say that you were happy, as happy, would allow.
And tell yourself that, will have to, do for now.

Darling it's a life of surprises.....

A blogpost is the very least that this song deserves :)

So true it hurts.

David Laws.

So, David Laws, newly appointed Cheif Secretary to the Treasury has resigned. The first casualty of the new coalition government.

The Telegraph reported that Mr Laws had been paying rent to his male partner and claiming it as expenses. At first my reaction was to feel sorry for the man. Whatever my own views may be on homosexuality, I could not help but pity him, trying to keep his private life private, a relatively innocent victim in a much larger political scandal. However the more that I have thought about it, the more angry I have become.

Throughout the election campaign we had to listen to Clegg and the rest of his party taking a holier than though attitude regarding expenses, and yet through all of this Laws was still fiddling the system as far as I can see. Surely during all of the scandal of the last year, all of the political careers ruined, Laws should have thought that even if it meant exposing some details of his private life that he would rather keep private, it was best to come clean? Or at least stop what he was doing? It really does beggar belief.

The only saving grace as far as I can see is that this new coalition government has dealt with this first crisis quickly, quietly and most importantly effectively. There have been no excuses, lLws has gone and hopefully we can move on, he may even be able to salvage some of his political career.

Digressing slightly, this cartoon made me chuckle :)

For four amazing people.

When I started to write this post, it was a rant. I was upset about some things and needed to get them off of my chest.

The thing is though, that as I typed I realised that it wasn't the post I should have been writing.

Nobody's perfect. We all make mistakes. I'm sorry for the things that I do wrong. Please forgive me.

The truth is that you four are the best friends that I've ever had. I love you so much and I'm terrified of losing you.

Please don't let me push you away.

Thank you, thanks just for being you ;)

I wish.

Things have got to change.

I know it, I've known it for a long time, but it's like a part of me doesn't really want to change.

I wish that I could be more like you. I wish that I didn't worry so much about stupid little things.

I wish that I could relax more, that I didn't have hang-ups.

I wish that I could find it easier to let people in.

I wish that I could let you in.

It's got to stop.

Help me, please.

Maybe.

Do you know what I think would be a good idea? If everyone had a light on their head which involuntarily lit up if they liked you.

So yes, you've guessed it, this is my first blog post filled with teenage angst, I've tried to avoid it so far, but here it is.

I'm sure it's a question that women have been asking themselves for millenia; does he like me?

I know that he's spoken to my friends about me, but not really, like I've just come up in conversation a few times. But then he doesn't act any differently around me.

Grrrr I just don't know. I don't even know what I'd do if he did like me. I'm definitely starting to like him though...

Burnt Toast.

This means that it's going to be a bad day right.....

Goodbye.

People say that sorry is the hardest word. I'm pretty sure that they're wrong.

I've spent a long time trying to write this post, I know what I want to say, but I can't seem to find the words.

This year I thought that I was going to lose someone who means more to me than anyone in the World. I cannot even begin to describe the fear that I felt during those few weeks. I am so incredibly lucky that you pulled through, thank you.

This post is dedicated to three people who were not as fortunate as me, to the one's that they lost and are losing and to all those who have been left behind.

Nothing that I can do or say can ever make things any better, but I pray for you, and I honestly think of you everyday.

K & E & K

Too good to be true?

I like, many others, have reservations about this new government. Although I really have a strong disliking for many Liberal Democrat policies, I like to think that I am not so short-sighted as to condemn this coalition to failure within its first week. To be honest, so far so good, I'm liking what I'm hearing.

I just hope that it lasts, that it is not, as the sceptic in me is thinking, an elaborate media show that can never work.

PS I would like to know who my fellow Conservative voters are out there. Apparently there were 10.5 million of us. Lib dem and Labour voters seem to make a lot of noise but clearly there aren't that many of them.

I'm glad that this blog is anonymous, admitting to voting Conservative appears to be, in some circles, up there with hailing Hitler. Can we please all get some perspective, David Cameron is not all that is wrong with this World.

I think that we need to look closer to home for that.

Insomnia.

I just want to start off by saying that I am not and never have been an insomniac.

I just think that there is something really strange about sleep.

We are forever saying that our lives are too short, and that there aren't enough hours in the day, but how many of us look forward to a weekend lie-in or dread the Monday morning alarm?

We waste so much time asleep.

I wonder, if you were to die tomorrow, what would you regret? All the things that you ran out of time to do, or not having enough time to sleep?

The Beginning.

So this is it, the first post of my blog. I feel like I should be discussing something really deep and meaningful.

Unfortunately I am rather tired and just want to see whether this works.

I am a geek. I find things like this picture really cool.

This is an enzyme called RNA polymerase and I think that it's pretty incredible.