And again...

Set-back.

Sometimes I just wish that I wasn't me.

I thought about myself today, and I just thought how can anyone stand to look at me, to talk to me, to be around me.

I wish I wasn't me.

And the thing is I just don't help myself. I start to feel like this and I just make it worse. I cut myself off, I'm unproductive, I binge and I cut. All of which make me feel worse, make me stress, make me ashamed, feel like I don't deserve anyone.

It's a viscious circle, and I just wish that I could find a way out.

Or that I could find a way to let someone in......if anyone even wanted to come in. Please.

Happy happy happy.

Right now, at 11pm on a Sunday night, I am happy.

I have not been this happy in weeks.

In fact happy is the wrong word, more like content.

Why am I happy? Because I'm busy. It's ridiculous. Most people dream of having lots of free time with nothing to do, and I like to think that I'm like that, but when I'm busy I realise that I'm not. I love having lots to do, having to make lists and prioritise to get it all done. It's stupid, but I like to go to bed at the end of the day and look back and say that I've worked really hard and achieved lots and therefore somehow deserve sleep. I actually feel guilty if I get 8 hours sleep.

So right now, I am going to finish this blogpost, and then work for another hour or so before getting up at 6am and starting all over again.

Here's to a busy future :D

Also, rather embarrassingly, I am COMPLETELY addicted to this song at the moment: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=um7PzmLRwko

Meh.

Sometimes your best just isn't good enough. The dilema now is how to deal with it. Put it behind you, learn form it and move on. Or dwell on it and become bitter and resentful. Not to mention being overwhelmed by feelings of hopelessness, inadequacy and failure. Unfortunately I think that I'm going to take the latter road. Oh, and by the way, a thank you would have been nice.