Lucky...???

So right now I'm in the middle of some pretty important exams. In fact that's a complete lie, these are THE most important exams of my life, no exaggeration. One week to go, one week, one more week...except I'm really having trouble concentrating :/

One of my friends said this to me yesterday: "I guess we're lucky that this is all we have to worry about" this was referring to the exams. I didn't know how to react, THIS is the reason why I should have told people about what is going on in my World right now.

She had no idea what impact the words had, and she's not the only one who has said things like that, things that make me want to yell, NO THIS ISN'T ALL OF I'VE GOT TO WORRY ABOUT! Or when people are moaning about exams (which I know I do too), and particularly telling me that I've got these exams covered, I always do so what am I worrying about, I need to yell NO I HAVEN'T GOT THESE EXAMS COVERED, BECAUSE I SPENT THE REVISION TIME LOOKING AFTER MY SICK FATHER. AND RIGHT NOW WHILST ALL YOU HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT IS REVISION I'M THINKING ABOUT HIM BEING PUMPED WITH DRUGS THAT IF WE'RE LUCKY WILL SHRINK THIS DAMN TUMOUR WHILST CAUSING MINIMAL DAMAGE TO THE REST OF HIS TIRED BODY. IT'S ALL RIGHT FOR YOU WITH YOUR DADS WHO ARE YOUNG AND STRONG AND OUT AT WORK. BECAUSE RIGHT NOW MY DAD IS ILL AND BALD AND FRAIL. HE LOOKS MORE LIKE MY GRANDAD THAN MY DAD. AND ALL I CAN DO IS HOPE AND PRAY THAT THIS WON'T GET ANY WORSE. AND A LOT OF THE TIME IT'S ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT, BUT AT THE SAME TIME I'M MEANT TO BE TRYING TO GET MY DEGREE. AND I NEED TO DO WELL IN MY DEGREE, NOT JUST FOR MY FUTURE, BUT SO THAT I MAKE HIM PROUD. I NEED TO GRADUATE, AND WELL, SO THAT HE CAN COME AND SEE ME BECAUSE THIS MAY WELL BE THE ONLY CHANCE THAT HE EVER GETS. SO PLEASE STOP SCREAMING THAT YOUR LIFE SUCKS AND WHAT'S THE POINT ANYMORE, BECAUSE I WOULD GIVE IT ALL UP IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE IF I KNEW MY DAD WOULD BE OKAY.

I'm sorry about the caps but this has been building up for a while, and the problem with no-one knowing is that I can't tell anyone. When I want to cry and scream and give up there's no-one there who can tell me that it will be okay. No-one to be strong for me. So instead I lock myself in my room, turn my headphones up, cut, and cry.

And then I feel guilty, because do you know what, it's not me who'sgot this thing growing inside them. And I'm hoping and praying that my Dad MIGHT GET BETTER. There are so many people who have lost people that they love, really I'M LUCKY. I'm just finding it pretty hard to see that at the moment.

Sorry xxx

P.S. dear housemates, please, pretty please, stop SHOUTING OUTSIDE MY BEDROOM DOOR!!!